Being Imperfect

I've always been told that I'm a perfectionist, and at first, I didn't recognize the downside of that. Because, doesn't it just mean that most of the things you do are perfect? That was, until I started chronically beating myself up. See, there's a degree with everything, and so is the scale of perfectionism. When I was in university, I swung too much to the "perfect" end and felt like I was never good enough. I had really amazing discipline back then and really good grades too. If I set a goal, I always accomplish it. But although I often even exceed my targets, I felt extremely incompetent, and developed lower and lower levels of self esteem.

Since I graduated, I've been working towards a healthier mind set. I saw a psychologist for a few years, and she was the one who really reiterated the "danger" of being a perfectionist. It was only then that I started believing that I needed to learn about accepting my imperfect self.

For the past month I've undertaken a 30 day yoga practice through a Youtube channel. This was a good chance to get 30 days of mild yoga in before my Japan trip and maybe get a little more toned for my own good as well. But more than anything, this was an affirmation to myself that I still got the same level of will power that I did back when I was always beating myself up, but this time, it would be from a positive and loving place. I didn't want to lose the kind of grit and persistence I had just because I'm no longer chasing after myself with a whip.

As the days go by, I experienced both good and bad days. I've actually decided to spread the 30 days of yoga over approximately 40 days, but would do other types of workout on the days I wasn't doing yoga. Regardless, I would finish all 30 days before I leave for Japan. Although there were a couple of times I've doubted whether I could finish the entire thing, it was the egoless side of my will power that quieted my mind down and allowed me to plow forward.

Yesterday was day 29, and I'm leaving for Japan the day after tomorrow. Things were going perfectly and I could see the victorious finish line right in front of me. I could almost taste the sense of accomplishment, and Japan was going to be my reward. I got cocky. "I'm definitely finishing this" I thought to myself, "see, piece of cake, and I still have so much energy left". With that in mind, during a wide legged forward fold, without really warming up my legs or preparing myself for it, I forced my head to drop on to the pillow in front of me because I "wanted" myself to be able to touch the ground with my head.

Something happened. Even till now I'm still not completely sure what, but I know I rolled my neck and my weight landed on that rolled neck for a few seconds before I could push myself back out of the pose with my hands, and that's when I felt the pain down the back of my neck. It hurt, and it didn't feel right, but my ego wouldn't allow it. "Day 29" it said to me, "you're not stopping now". So I pushed myself through the rest of the video hoping the pain would go away like a cracked knuckle, and even did a few shoulder stands.

But it didn't.

The left side of my upper back cramped up and I couldn't move my neck without tearing up. I knew immediately that I had pulled or tore something. Guilt and shame stormed in like a tsunami, drowning me in a million "should've, could've, would've"s. I noticed I was starting to beat myself up about this, and struggled to be kind to my injured body and mind, but negative thoughts sneaked in.

"There are only 2 days to go before you have to fly, you sure have impeccable timing!"
"Oh wow, a wide legged forward fold and now you're a paraplegic, and you thought you were strong?"
"Why do you always have to be so clumsy?"
"You always let your ego get the best of you."

It hurt. The bullying I was doing to myself hurt way more than my neck and back.

But I'm not the same person anymore, I'm much more equipped to deal with the negative self talks than when I was young and I'm also much more aware of the stakes at play. I tried to calm my mind and went through the protocols I've established over the years for combating negative self talk when I fail at being perfect:

1. Recognize reality for ONLY what it really is
A lot of the times we tell ourselves stories that aren't true, like all the negative self talk I wrote above. Instead of making up stories, try to see reality for what it really is and nothing more. In my case, I've hurt myself as a result of trying to better my health, now that I'm hurt, I should rest and heal. That's it. Reality is often much simpler than we make it out to be. Though it may not be a bad thing to have dramatic flare, try to savour that another time.

2. Think of solutions that will actually help
Beating yourself up is like hitting your leg after you've broken it. It simply doesn't help. After recognizing what the real problem is, which in my case is the injured neck/back, focus on solutions that actually aid in your healing. I used to think that if I beat myself up enough I could prevent the same mistake from happening again in the future, but freak accidents happen, and there's no way you can prevent them from happening without living like a bubble-wrapped agoraphobic hermit. So stop dwelling on what doesn't help, and take action on what does.

3. Take a break or treat yourself
Speaking of what helps, taking a break really helped my neck. I canceled all my subsequent plans, became an underachiever for the rest of the evening, and slept as much as I could. Although I still needed to pack for my trip, still had to work, I embraced the philosophy of "taking it easy" and took it very seriously. I find that this method is also applicable in other situations that may not involve an injury. Taking a break or treating yourself when you feel inadequate is the quickest way to improve your sense of self worth and it helps you hop back on the horse sooner than if you were to ruminate on things that are out of your control.

4. Challenge your negative self talk
Even though I've been practicing accepting myself for my imperfections for years, the deeply entrenched negative voice can't help feeling that it still has an important role to play, and it's pretty vocal. Well, my solution to that is to talk back. Challenge your negative self to really think about what's real and what's not. Am I really an epic failure because I hurt my neck? Or am I just human and we all make mistakes? Don't validate the things your negative self wants you to believe by staying silent. Research show that positive outlook are most likely to yield positive outcomes anyway, so shush it up by putting a positive spin on the things it says.

5. Don't quit
The truth is, no one needs to be perfect. One's opinion on what's perfect is often imperfect for another, and that's why it's dangerous to aim for perfection - it's arbitrary, and often does more harm than good. What is "good enough" and what is "more than enough" has to be determined case by case, person by person. Only you can decide who you are and who you want to be. Change is hard, but not giving up is the key. There will always be good and bad days. Days your self esteem seems untoppable and days that you're reminded of just how imperfect you are. But regardless of where you are now and where you want to head towards, aim for love. If you can recognize that you deserve to be loved and that you are loved, not only is being perfect no longer the goal, it becomes completely irrelevant.

I know it's crunch time for me and I still have quite a few things to do before I leave on my trip, but I have help, and knowing I deserve some kind gestures after my injury, I'm happy to chill out some more, and let everything be imperfect.