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What happened:
On July 2nd I received a phone call from the management company of my condo asking me if they could go into my unit to check for a water leak. Unit 203, which was 2 floors below mine, reported that water was dripping from their smoke detector and they traced it all the way to up my unit. After some investigation, it was determined that my fridge was the source of the leak, and because the water flowed behind the fridge, my tenants never even saw anything. This started 2 weeks of back and forth communication with the condo management, my insurance, with the condo management's contractors, and my insurance's contractors. Eventually it was determined that my entire floor, where there's tile, needed to be replaced. Having never dealt with this before, I had no idea what to expect, how long they would take, or who would be in charge of what? I had no idea what my responsibilities were, nor did I know any of my rights.
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| New Tile - Kitchen |
My tenants were the best tenants I've ever had, and they have been waiting for a good opportunity to purchase their own home. So with the recent down turn in the Calgary economy and the condo situation, they decided it was time to make the move and gave me notice. Although they had just renewed their lease with us, I was happy for them, and didn't think that it was going to be hard for me to find other renters. I even thought it would make it easier for the tile work to be done.
Looking back, things went smoothly, but when I was in the mist of it, everything felt super painful. I was dealing with a ton of uncertainty, and uncertainty my friend, is my kryptonite.
I reposted the rental ad as soon as the tenants gave notice, but even until today (2 months later), I haven't found anyone yet. Having paid little to no attention to "the market" ever, I never realized how intimate the effects could be. The rental prices were much more competitive this time around, and even after lowering our rent by almost $300/month, we were still getting very few interest.
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To be honest I felt defeated for a long time. I felt like it was my fault. Somehow, despite the fact that I couldn't have ever foresee or control any of the events, I felt that I may have been able to avoid all of this if I had just been smarter, if I was more diligent, or if I had worked harder. I credited every little annoyance and speed bump all to myself, like I was being deliberately punished by the universe (or fate) for somehow screwing everything up.
The word "undeserving" crept up so many times it left me suffocated and unable to see anything clearly. The negative self talk I once thought I've tamed unleashed full force for months; it was an all out war, and I was left barely breathing.
It felt like my fault, and I was buried deep underneath a mountain of self loathing.
It wasn't until I saw how much of a collateral damage Keith was, and how hard he tried to remain positive for the both of us that I got enough energy to snap out of it, and even then, it took me a few tries. These 3 months I had been living almost completely reactively, and my head was so full I couldn't give any thought more than a few seconds' attention. I knew I was stressed and I was trying very hard to reduce the stress, but I had never tried to think about my problems differently, and so it never worked.
Reground
Eckhart Tolle once said that "you can't argue with what is, if you do, you suffer", and that was exactly what I was doing. Reflecting on my thoughts, what represented it most closely was some sort of "not giving up". I hadn't given up on the possibility that maybe if I had done my due diligence my condo could've not had a water leak; that if I was a better landlord that maybe my tenants wouldn't have given notice; that if I hadn't agreed to the early termination of our lease then I wouldn't be stuck with an empty condo; and that if I had chosen a better condo or insurance company that maybe the process would've been a lot faster or smoother, or maybe the said condo wouldn't have leaked at all. I clung on to these thoughts as if I could alter reality even after everything had happened, and so the first shift that occurred in my mind was to simply come to terms with what "is", allowing that to sink in, and for the "could've, would've, should've" voices to fade.
I stopped fighting with reality soon after this concept was clear in my head. The voices shifted and all that's left was a reasonable level of hope. Hoping that construction would go smoothly, hoping that my condo fees wouldn't go up too much, or hoping that I would find new tenants soon. With Keith's help, I was also able to distance myself from all of it while he helped handle some of the coordination giving myself and my problems some space, and that helped a lot too.
Recenter
Once I stepped out of my tunnel vision, it felt like I was finally in touch with reality. I reminded myself of the big picture, which admittedly I forget often, and that was the people (& dog) around me, all of our health, safety, and security. As long as we have each other, I already have more than what a lot of other people could ever ask for. I also remembered that many people lost their jobs these days, even people who are quite close to us. Knowing that we still have our jobs and better job security than the majority of our friends reminded me of how fortunate we actually are. Yes, of course it sucks that my condo hasn't rented yet, but the people that could have afforded my condo may now be out of a job, and that is a much bigger problem that I don't have to deal with. I'm not saying we should compare ourselves to other people either, but when I lose focus and sweat incessantly on the small things, understanding where I stand compared to others really help me recenter myself.
I then listened to a few of Thich Nhat Hanh's talks and was reminded of how many other things I could enjoy in life, and felt silly when I realized how big I blew my problems up to be. Although breath, trees, fresh air, and walks haven't been on my mind at all, once I remembered how I can take a walk whenever I want to and breathe amazing crisp clean air, they immediately made me feel infinitely better. For the first time in 3 months I thought: "what could be better than this?", and I remembered that my life was better. I still have a condo!
Restart
The construction is now done, and we are still arranging showings with potential tenants. I still have to coordinate payment with the condo management company and probably every little thing that will arise from it, but we are ok. We have 2 homes for the time being, fulfilling jobs, and family that loves us. We are healthy, energetic, so life really hasn't changed much since all these things happened. I feel like my restart button was pressed, and I finally have space in my head now that all the mental noise is gone.
