Clarity

I thought I knew what I wanted in life when I was young. It was quite clear to me: success, in particular, monetary success or popularity among others were all I wanted. I simply can't comprehend what else there is in life. But when I was young, I didn't know how to become successful, wealthy, or important. So I did what I knew at the time, and studied my ass off. I knew that studying wasn't the only thing that I needed to do to get there, but I didn't know what else I needed, so I just focused on that. As time went by, I became better and better at studying, and I started losing touch with everything else. Before I knew it, I had forgotten how to be happy, how to have relationships with other people, and I wasn't in touch with my body, feelings, or soul at all.

Borobudur, Indonesia

This might sound vague but let me describe how it was like living without knowing your purpose. I would wake up each day, knowing exactly what needed to be done as I had set out a rigorous schedule and a long list of tasks for myself to finish, and I would get on doing them. But as soon as I had one spare moment, when my mind quiets down, I feel completely lost, like a zombie. Without the list of things, I would not know if I was even supposed to sit or stand, eat or sleep, and I definitely had no idea where I wanted to go or how my future would look like. During moments when the agonizing fact that I was completely lost hit me, I feel this overwhelming loneliness, and it was difficult to want to stay alive.

I kept moving forward with my tasks and schedules as planned, unless I come up to a major cross road, then I'd cry and panic until I found something I felt compelled to do. As I got older, and felt less like I "have to" do anything, I started wondering where all this was headed towards. And eventually, the questions popped into my head: why do I want success anyway? And, what is success to me?

Right around the time I was about to graduate from my business degree was the darkest times of my life. My lifetime of school was going to be over and that was all I knew. I would have no idea where to go or what to do next. I felt so lost I didn't even know when to eat or sleep anymore. Why did it matter anyway? It's not like I have class in the morning or a paper due. Out of the millions of jobs out there, I had no clue what I would like or what I should be doing. Because during the years I've been mastering how to be good at doing things, I've never once cultivated my awareness of what I loved.

So I lived like that for a few years, not knowing if I was doing the right things and not knowing why I was alive. I took the first job I got and bought the first condo that seemed like a good deal. I dated the first guy that stuck around and did whatever was due next. It was mind numbing, and every day I could sense that my soul desperately wanted to leave my body. I was in tears half the time until I replaced my tears with alcohol. And I didn't know why, I just knew that I didn't like life, and I wanted everything to stop so I can stop feeling miserable.




Kootenai National Forest, Montana

But one day, as I was drowning in my own sorrow, a friend came by to see me. Instead of sitting with me and talking things through like usual, she invited me to go to a yoga class with her. At the moment, it didn't make sense to me at all. I needed comfort, a warm and cozy place to place my weary head upon, but she wanted me to pick myself up and work even harder. I went, not knowing if I would be able to bring myself to do anything, and class started and ended as usual. The truth is, nothing miraculous happened. I didn't feel overwhelming joy or happiness, but my pain seem to have subsided a little. There were a little more space in my head, and I was simply able to finish my day without crying myself to sleep.

Then, over the next 8 years, I kept going to yoga. I've never became good enough for a head stand nor could I touch my heels on the ground when I do a downward dog. But every time I go, I get a moment of peace; and every time I come home afterwards, I gain a little more clarity. So I kept going, especially on days I feel that pain again, I kept going.

Now when I think about what I want in life, honestly it is only incrementally clearer than when I was a kid, but life has completely opened up for me. Success is nice, but I am now aware of all the things that are more important to me than that. Health, peace, relationships... heck, even having a good night sleep or taking my time eating a meal is more important than success now. And regarding being someone important, I've decided to start by becoming someone who's important to me.

Over time, I have actually become someone who's probably not as smart and not as determined. I've noticed way more instances where I've forgotten something that would've taken me no effort to recall when I was a kid. But as I try to remember what it is I had forgotten, I catch myself smiling, because first of all, I'm sure that thing I've forgotten will find its way back to me again in it's own time, and secondly, I've now just gain a little more space in my head for something else. It almost feels like I've gained more elasticity in my head, and I'm now more tolerant to an imperfect mind.



Marina Bay Sands, Singapore

I still get depressed sometimes, and I'm not sure I am clear on exactly what I want in the future either. But perhaps there's always been more than one thing in line for me anyway. Success, wealth, and influence are always going to be welcomed, but now they have to be in my life according to my terms, as I will not be driven by them anymore. Someone recently told me that things have fallen in to place like they always will. The truth is I'm not sure if they have. All I know is, I've now gotten a little better at struggling a little less. Through tiny breathable pores in the fabric of my mind, I'm finally getting moments of relief, knowing I'm exactly where I need to be.