The pink of the sky has never been this bright
Illuminating an otherwise dark grey-ish sky
It was so beautiful I got choked up
As I take my next steps, the strain in my calves, the pain in my hip, and the heavy breathing of my lungs reminded me that my time on earth is also limited
How many more pink skies will I be able to admire before I perish?
When will my spirit shine as bright as the pink glowing sliver piercing through the grey, overweight clouds?
A silent gasp frightened me so much I got choked up again
Could I have lost my chance to live passionately all together?
That gut wrenching, irresponsible, visceral passion I felt nightly when I was young, is nowhere to be found.
Like bringing a child to a market. You turn away for just one second, and it’s gone.
I hold my breath, trying to control the panic that’s starting to creep up
I got choked up again
And what about home?
Yes the one I grew up in, the one I left when I was still a minor
The one that comforts my soul, sets me free
The one with not just pink slivers but an entire canvas of pink and purple clouds
The one with mists that veils the mountains just right, making them as luscious as they are mysterious
My guts ache now
I take a quick inhale and let it out, “whooo”
I gotta keep controlling my breathing
Can’t cry in the middle of my evening walk like a crazy person
But when will I finally be able to develop that relationship I really want with my home?
Oh right, there it is again. I thought it had gone
But like a teenage first love you never got over, I remembered
I am chronically. home. sick.
It’s been 20 years and
I still don’t know how to cope
I only know how to forget
My accomplishments have been wonderful distractions
But it’s quiet now as I walk through an easier stretch of my walk
The annoying dog isn’t visible today
I hope he doesn’t suddenly bark because I might not be able to hold my breath if he does
No solution
So this I shall be
Someone who’s approaching the end of her walk
Some who’s desired at work, who’s reliable
But like that bruised apple we picked up from the bottom of the fruit bowl the other day
Completely liquified from the inside
Brown, bleeding
Empty
I take another quick breath, and put my brave face back on
Tomorrow’s another day
As I extend myself beyond my limit one more day
So this I shall be
Until I figure it out
