An Evening Walk

The pink of the sky has never been this bright

Illuminating an otherwise dark grey-ish sky

It was so beautiful I got choked up

As I take my next steps, the strain in my calves, the pain in my hip, and the heavy breathing of my lungs reminded me that my time on earth is also limited

How many more pink skies will I be able to admire before I perish?

When will my spirit shine as bright as the pink glowing sliver piercing through the grey, overweight clouds?

A silent gasp frightened me so much I got choked up again

Could I have lost my chance to live passionately all together?

That gut wrenching, irresponsible, visceral passion I felt nightly when I was young, is nowhere to be found.

Like bringing a child to a market. You turn away for just one second, and it’s gone.

I hold my breath, trying to control the panic that’s starting to creep up

I got choked up again

And what about home?

Yes the one I grew up in, the one I left when I was still a minor

The one that comforts my soul, sets me free

The one with not just pink slivers but an entire canvas of pink and purple clouds

The one with mists that veils the mountains just right, making them as luscious as they are mysterious

My guts ache now

I take a quick inhale and let it out, “whooo”

I gotta keep controlling my breathing

Can’t cry in the middle of my evening walk like a crazy person

But when will I finally be able to develop that relationship I really want with my home?

Oh right, there it is again. I thought it had gone

But like a teenage first love you never got over, I remembered

I am chronically. home. sick.

It’s been 20 years and

I still don’t know how to cope

I only know how to forget

My accomplishments have been wonderful distractions

But it’s quiet now as I walk through an easier stretch of my walk

The annoying dog isn’t visible today

I hope he doesn’t suddenly bark because I might not be able to hold my breath if he does

No solution

So this I shall be

Someone who’s approaching the end of her walk

Some who’s desired at work, who’s reliable

But like that bruised apple we picked up from the bottom of the fruit bowl the other day

Completely liquified from the inside

Brown, bleeding

Empty

I take another quick breath, and put my brave face back on

Tomorrow’s another day

As I extend myself beyond my limit one more day

So this I shall be

Until I figure it out