What's most true for you? Something that's eternal, an idea maybe, or a value. How do we calm the waters within so it's clear enough for us to see? How do I quiet my thoughts enough for me to hear?
It might be because of Covid or an early onset midlife crisis, but I've been contemplating existential subjects these few years. Or should I say, I've always been one who contemplates existential subjects--the meaning of life, my purpose...etc., but during my 20s and 30s they were drowned out by money and career oriented thoughts. These days, however, perhaps with the help of working from home and actually enjoying real work-life balance, I've evolved into this department again, and these thoughts have snuck back under the spotlight.
It's hard not to compare to others. Whether it's job positions, income, athletic abilities, or any of the thousands of metrics one can measure themselves against. As I age, everyone's position on each of these metrics really starts to diverge. An artistic roommate of mine is now a senior director for business development, the ambitious analyst colleague is now a mom of 3, the ethnomusicology mom of 2 is now a royalty-making authority in her field, and the C student is a multi-millionaire. I sometimes don't know where I'm supposed to be. Compared to each of them, I seem both behind and ahead. There's also the slacker who got the promotion, the rude one who got into the amazing company, or the corrupt one who became the VP. Then there is the guest down stairs who escaped Ukraine and is still trying to find way to get a hold of her parents, the project manager that sat next to me / the high school friend who became a realtor / and so many others who are no longer on this earth.
As these thoughts arose, my heart skipped a beat and it prompted me to think again, exact what should I spend my limited time and energy on? If positions, money, status, and fame are illusions that I don't necessarily align with, what does?
There are things in my life that are unfair for me. All those times I pulled extra weight just so the work can get done, all while folks who are paid more sit back and watch. I've done more than enough share of pulling strings and smoothing out conflicts, but none of these efforts translate into a raise or a promotion. I'm the kind of person who can do the job, but lack the title or salary to show anyone. But the exact opposite is true as well. I work reasonable hours while getting many many days off each year. I'm given the privilege and freedom to manage my work as well as some other team members' work even though I don't have the title, and I usually get the interesting projects. I have the trust of colleagues and leaders, and the things I say are valued by many. I have people who loves me unconditionally regardless of my mood, income, or productivity level. So, am I fortunate or unfortunate?
Life is long but also quite short. We have time to do everything we want to, but life could also easily slip by without us having gotten to know our souls. With me turning 40 this year, I'm still young, but also not really. And perhaps it's this midlife milestone, but it's got me thinking "jeez, if I have dreams or personal goals, I should probably get started before it's too late". So, what should I focus my time and energy on?
What is most true for you?
What is most true...for me?
The older I become the more I recognize not only the duality of things but that there's everything on every spectrum. It's only in recognizing the divergence of everyone's paths and the futile efforts of still trying to compare myself with others that I realized I really can't. I simply do not have enough brain power in a day or days in my life to assess my performance against these arbitrary benchmarks. I simply have to know myself better, and I have to choose the top priorities to get started (or keep moving).
It feels like it's been years but I'm just at the beginning stages of sorting out my thoughts, and I'm still working on listening closely so I can tell the noise apart from the truth. To be honest, it's not my intention to tell you what they are today or to tell you that you should consider the things that are important to me. We all have to work that out ourselves.
I guess, all I wanted to do today, is put this reminder down for myself, to continue to think about what's most true for me, and what's worth my time. After all, each of these seconds that are passing by make up my entire life and it's up to me what I want my life to be about...what I want to live for. Vague themes are starting to emerge, although they're still in draft state, I've grown more comfortable with letting my heart be the guide of whether an idea is worth pursuing or not. I intend to follow what moves me, I intend to follow what inspires, I intend to head towards the direction of courage, and I intend to follow loving kindness. I believe I'm in the process of developing my value system, and I will keep you all updated.
Sukha.
